Friday, November 30, 2007

Cookiepedia...conspiracy theories...

...started shortly after 911 BC when Julius Caesar was murdered by the Illuminati. A secret society based inside the tomb of Tutankhamun took over the world and invented the Republican party. This annoyed the Roman emperor who invented the bible to convince everyone that they had to give everything to Caesar, who by then had been reborn as the Roman emperor. When this scam no longer worked the Emperor wrote his name with a capital letter and invented the Catholic Church so he could have a regular supply of choir boys. In 911 AD he changed his name to the Pope and claimed he knew God's telephone number. When the Templars found God's email address the Pope had them all burnt at the stake. Meanwhile Leonardo da Vinci painted a picture of the pope in drag and sold it to the Louvre for 1789 euros and they renamed the pope Mona Lisa and got Nat King Cole to sing a song about him. When Nelson defeated Napoleon at Waterloo Station in a game of poker he would have brought the Mona Lisa to London but it went down with the Titanic at the Battle of Trafalgar. So the secret Da Vinci code was lost till Turing cracked Enigma during the Battle of Britain thus allowing the Freemasons to go on tour with Glenn Miller. They also went on to go on tour with John F. Kennedy, Marylin Munroe, Martin Luther King and John Lennon, all of whom died mysterious deaths shortly afterwards. The pope then changed his name to Bush and went on to win the Florida recount for Miss Drag Queen, 9/11 2001. Since then the world has been run by a supercomputer called Blow Jobs and everything you experience is just an illusion created by the mice.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

iPhone latest prices...

...749 euros unlocked in Paris, France or with a 600 euro rebate from Debitel in Germany when you by the unlocked iPhone from T-Mobile for 999 euros. The Debitel contract is for 40 euros per month.
Update: You may want to wait for the 3G iPhone rumoured to be coming out next year.

Cookiepedia...the internet...

...The internet was invented by Al Gore, Made in China and is run by the Pentagon in the US and by the CIA in the rest of the world. It is mostly used for watching porn, selling stuff and throwing sheep at your friends on Facebook. The internet has a zero privacy policy. It is highly addictive and requires large amounts of coffee to be understood.

View Larger Map
WWW should not be confused with the internet. WWW stands for World War Won and was a secret group of Nazi scientists working for Al Gore to create viruses that would destroy the internet. WWW was sold to Google in 1984. To use the internet you need to be under 16 and fluent in HTML, which is short for Hotmail, and is used for spreading viruses. On no account open a hotmail as it can cause impotence and brain drain. The internet is housed in a building called Web 2.0 which stands on a paradigm shift that is expected to cause a tsunami soon.

Originally uploaded by Leighton Cooke
...the sacred ritual sacrament of offices, breakfast and insomnia Coffea arabica, known originally as the wine of the bean, owes its origins to the observation of particularly vital goats. Coffee became widely accepted after it was baptized by Pope Clement VIII in 1600. Also known as latte or espresso, coffee is the cure for all known forms of mental derangement and is an excellent substitute for breakfast. The reason why you are reading this is because British supermarkets have a habit of numbering coffee strength. So I decided to use up the rest of my French blend (strength 5) in my coffee pot. The remains turned out to be double the usual dose, which as you all know is much better than being half the usual dose, and the resulting brew is the mother of all black coffees. Now I know why the Sufi drank it to prevent sleep.
Status update: Leighton is wide awake.
Leighton and the Yemenite Sufi mystic Shaikh ash-Shadhili, observer of vital goats while traveling in Ethiopia, are now friends.
Leighton and the vital goat are now friends.

Monday, November 26, 2007 banking... readily available in Siberia at the phishing branch of most High Street banks for as little as $75. You will need two CD copies of the ID of 25 million people to set up your own branch or you can get details from a Russian-registered vendor "offering UK and US bank logins with 'good price and service!'" At some time of course you will need Money for online banking.
(Cookie's First Law: For most things you need money.)
(Cookie's Second Law: For most things Richard Branson always has money.)
(Cookie's Third Law: Try buying Branson's ID in Siberia.)
Money has been known to work as an aphrodisiac, especially in the part of Amsterdam to the left of the Damrak as you come from Centraal Station. It can also be exchanged for drugs, alcohol, coffee and chocolate. For these pleasures offline banking, or even better, hard cash is recommended. Hard cash is the kind that can be exchanged for drugs...etc.
Online banking, like blogging, has its health hazards but is very handy if you want to buy sexy underwear on eBay.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Melinda has rhythm...

...and soul. Tony Bennett is right. Melinda Doolittle is a great singer and she sure made my day as I discovered her for the first time this evening. What a voice as she puts real feeling and power into her music.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Amsterdam Photoblog...goes live...

...with lots of friends online. Based on the concept of the Barcelona Photoblog the Amsterdam Photoblog will be a unique insider view of this amazing city, with lots of cool links to the inside track of all the latest in Mokum.


...Considered by many to be a figment of the imagination especially this week as this lovely Thanksgiving website that looks like a Christmas tree shows. A residential home for old hippies, the City of Amsterdam is in fact a theme park that is far more fun than the one run by a certain mouse in Florida and Paris. Also the home of the famous Cookie mouse, Amsterdam has more mice per square mile than anywhere on earth. A mecca for dreamers, metrosexuals and those who have difficulty in speaking Dutch, Mokum is also famous for bicycles and bicycle thieves. It is the only city on earth where a pickpocket will steal your pocketbook and your bicycle and then offer to sell it back to you for 10 euros on the Koningsplein. Spinoza came from Amsterdam but got thrown out for proving that God is everywhere and doesn't give a damm. (Or was that a dam!) Anne Frank kept a diary in Amsterdam which is why the Prinsengracht near the Westerkerk is always so crowded and should be avoided at all costs if you are in a hurry. The cheapest organic beer in Amsterdam is available on the Overtoom in OT 301. Cannabis is available everywhere so please buy plenty of chocolate. Coffee is the Dutch business drug of choice and also goes very well with chocolate. As the euro is going up we recommend you should visit Amsterdam now or never if you are on a budget.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Cookiepedia...Privacy...relevance 100 per cent...

..."Privacy is the ability of an individual or group to control the flow of information about themselves and thereby reveal themselves selectively." says the good old Wikipedia. It's not been a good week for privacy as the personal details of millions of British citizens and their children go missing. Join a social network on the internet and you agree that they can and will collect data about you to "enhance your user experience." They will also collect data about you from third parties and broadcast your shopping habits to all and sundry. I was actually wondering whether I should post copies of my bank statements on my blog just to prove that I've nothing to hide, which in my case would quite literally be the case. Where will this all end? Is it perhaps not time to go offline and live an analogue life? Well the government has put pay to that illusion. You can't even claim child benefit without living in fear of your private details going lost. As Privacy International says, "criminals need to have only a basic level of information about an individual. They can then use resources such as public records or the Internet to fill in gaps. Social engineering tactics such as impersonation will then ensure that they can take over a person’s identity.”
“NI numbers, address data, date of birth and bank details are more than enough to nourish even the most incompetent criminal.”
There must surely be a growing mistrust of all kinds of electronic data storage and the uses, or rather misuses, to which it is being put. What about data protection? The very concept seems to be an illusion. Fast forward in time...The Gruaniad November 2017...Privacy shock as copy of entire national identity database is lost when junior civil servant loses mobile phone at Thanksgiving party in Amsterdam (known over there as the Cannabis Cup). When questioned by police the official said he had forgotten to send the details of the register to the National Audit Office before popping over for a naughty weekend in Dam. Far fetched? Remember that the records and bank details of 25 million people were on just two CDs! Recently I've had loads of spam claiming to be from banks with whom I never opened an account. I even get spam on Skype! Every day we lose a little bit more of our privacy one way or another and the increasing use of public and private partnerships means less, not more, security and protection of our data. A government that is so incompetent is not fit to govern.

Get your iPhone in Germany...

...where as the result of a court injunction in Hamburg, after an action brought by Vodafone, T-Mobile is to sell unlocked iPhones for 999 euros. It will also now be possible to get the SIM lock removed if you already bought an iPhone from T-Mobile in Germany.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

What a little darling!... the Revenue & Customs loses personal details of 25m people and its chairman Paul Gray resigns, how secure would our personal data on a national ID register be? The information lost includes names, dates of birth, national insurance numbers and in some cases the bank details of those claiming child benefit. So when the government starts collecting your travel information when you enter or leave the country how do you know that the information collected will be secure? Campaign group Action on Rights for Children (Arch) warned that children could have been put in danger. "It's a simple and vital precaution which any self-respecting government agency should be practicing," its director, Terri Dowty, said.

"This appalling security lapse has placed children in the UK in immediate danger especially those who are already vulnerable.

"Child benefit records contain every child's address and date of birth. We are not surprised that the chair of HMRC's board has resigned immediately."

Sunday, November 18, 2007

No more dollars at the Taj Mahal... India decides only rupees will do to visit the Mughal's jewel in the crown. In a word it's over for the dollar. The only question to be answered is will there be an orderly queue at the exit or a stampede. We are of course talking about Gresham's law "When there is a legal tender currency, bad money drives good money out of circulation." Or, more accurately, "Money overvalued by the State will drive money undervalued by the State out of circulation." Very simple really. So it's all over for the the dollar. China will quietly and slowly buy Euros and sell dollars. That's it really. Cookienomics for dummies. Soon we will see a spot market for oil priced in Euros in Rotterdam. Till that day comes keep your powder dry and hang onto your hats. There will be a bumpy ride ahead. Without a revaluation of China's Renminbi the country is facing fierce inflation. The only way out is to convert their foreign reserves into Euros and, as Japan did before, revalue their currency. So, bye, bye dollar, it was nice knowing you.

Light from the gods... just what we need. After all Lucifer brings his light in many ways. Dear Rachel has been fighting the good fight for freedom and civil liberty while Big Brother Brown has been doing dark deals with Raytheon or Dr Death as they are more widely known. Wanna go to Paris for a dirty weekend? Check in with Dr Death. "Raytheon means "light from the gods." Makers of "Bunker Buster" bombs, Tomahawk and Patriot missiles, this company loves big noises and large civilian casualty counts. When a missile killed 62 civilians in a Baghdad market, that was Light from the Gods." Nothing like a bit of enlightenment to brighten up the day. So there you have it. Freedom to travel. Fuck off. Privacy. Fuck you! Welcome to the light from the gods. Care of a Home Office and a Big Brother Brown near you. They must think that we are idiots. I suggest that the next time that you travel anywhere you should file a complaint against the British government under European data protection legislation. Or fill up the form and shut the fuck up. The choice is yours.
"Washington - A contract to monitor the Amazon rainforest in Brazil will include a shadowy company once described as ''virtually indistinguishable'' from the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), IPS has learnt.

The 1.4-billion-dollar contract for satellite monitoring of drug trafficking and deforestation in the 3.2-million-square-kilometre forests in the Brazilian Amazon was awarded last summer to Raytheon, a 12-billion-dollar, Massachusetts-based company that makes Patriot and Sidewinder missiles.

Part of the Raytheon contract is to be implemented by E-Systems, a Texas-based company that Raytheon bought last April. E-Systems' major clients have historically been the CIA and other spy agencies like the National Security Agency and the National Reconnaissance Office.

An unnamed Congressional aide told the Washington Post last year that the company was ''virtually indistinguishable'' from the agencies it serves. ''Congress will ask for a briefing from E-Systems and the (CIA) programme manager shows up,'' the aide is quoted as saying. ''Sometimes he gives the briefing. They're interchangeable.''"
Welcome to Britain's new border police.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Cookienomics for dummies...sample exam questions...

...You are the prime minister of a medium sized European country and you have just been told that global warming is happening a little bit (well a big bit actually) faster than expected. In fact so fast that you have decided to cancel your skiing holiday as there won't be any snow anywhere. Do you:
1) spend 5 billion pounds on an ID card scheme that nobody wants?
2) lock up everybody that you don't like for 56, 58 or 90 days?
3) knock 300 million pounds off the climate change budget?
4) invade Iran?
Please write on both sides of the recycled paper. Or use the multiple choice option, be totally silly and go with all four possibilities to qualify as a competent and decisive modern leader.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Aqua Dots...Public Service Announcement...

...The previous post was in jest. This one is not. I've just been talking to the Cardiff Trading Standards Office about this product that really has been banned in the USA by the Consumer Product Safety Commission. If you see this product on the shelves of a shop anywhere in the UK please notify your local trading standards office as this shit really is dangerous for kids. Swallowing the beads can be poisonous.
"Hazard: The coating on the beads that causes the beads to stick to each other when water is added contains a chemical that can turn toxic when many are ingested. Children who swallow the beads can become comatose, develop respiratory depression, or have seizures.

Incidents/Injuries: CPSC has received two reports over the past several days of children swallowing Aqua Dots. A 20-month-old child swallowed several dozen beads. He became dizzy and vomited several times before slipping into a comatose state for a period of time, was hospitalized, and has since fully recovered. A second child also vomited and slipped into a comatose state and was hospitalized for five days.

Description: The recalled toy is a craft kit which allows children to create various multi-dimensional designs using small colored beads. The beads fuse together when sprayed with water. The recall applies to all models of Aqua Dots. The product is available in various different kits with accessories such as a drying fan, applicator pen, design templates for the beads, and spray bottle. The product is labeled for ages 4+."

My Spacepedia gets you high...

...Whales do it, jobs do it, even educated gates do it. Let's do it, let's all get high. Human search is gonna be the next big thing as our Gossip killer app hits the streets before Christmas in Beta. And who better to do the manufacturing than our old mates, the Chinese. The first product in our range of Virtual Intoxication Toys will be based on Aqua Dots the well known popular toy beads that contain liquid Fantasy or GBH. These have already been banned in America and Australia so this must be some serious shit, folks. We asked CEO van der Zuikerberg just what the fuck was going on here, and he was quoted as saying, "It's quite simple. Everyone gets sucking the Chinese kiddie love beads, gets high and then writes up their best friend's profile on My Spacepedia, giving the whole social networking bubble a much needed kick in the arse."
By further undermining the already dodgy reputation of online infopedias Zuikerberg intends to dumb down everything, everywhere, all the time and thus create the Totally Dumb Information Vortex just in time for Year Zero.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Spacebook merger details emerge... this morning's sub prime ripple hits banking stocks, details are emerging on the MySpacebook megadeal. Cookienomics sub prime CEO Marco van der Zuikerberg has hinted that this will be the mother of all social networking deals. The buzzword on the street is the revolutionary new killer app Zeroprivacy, part of the top secret Singularity Project. This will allow anything to be done anywhere at any time to anyone without them having a clue about what is really going on. This business model will be monetized by phishing and spam software managed by a secure database in St. Petersburg. Which St Pete has not been revealed for security reasons. The opportunities for optimization are awesome as this will replace Web 2.0 by Web 3.0, which will then be replaced by Web 4.0. The plan is to reach the Total Web Infinity.0 loop by Christmas. 2008 will then be renamed Year Zero and the Total Information Vortex will be up and running. The government will introduce a Zero beer and fags policy in order to channel all consumption into the Vortex. The Virtual Intoxication App is already in Beta testing and the advertising model will be quite simple. Click ads will be linked to a virtual intoxication Experience Interface (available with a USB port for 99 pence on eBay) and a built in vibrator is being developed in China, along with a virtual bicycle sex kit for $9.99. There will be a social network called the Pets Dating and Marriage Agency as it takes all sorts. "World domination is our goal." van der Zuikerberg was quoted as saying as he left his local greasy spoon and got into his Bentley.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Social DNA...dramatic new breakthrough... early this morning scientists at the University of Illesota Department of Pseudoscience found that buying too much high tech stuff is linked to dramatic rises in crime, alcoholism and click ad fraud. Measures are now being taken to compel each citizen to compile a register of their social DNA which will include orchestral instruments, openness in relationships, Top 10 movies and toilet etiquette. All this is of course intended to waste more of the citizen's precious time and money to stimulate economic growth and this blog must declare an interest here as we receive secret payments in kind from the coffee and chocolate lobby (we should be so lucky!) which, by the way, is a hint LOL! (Whatever that means? Answers on a postcard containing a stamped addressed envelope containing a few used fivers to the DEFRA Bird Flu Hedge Fund c/o Cookienomics, Lichtenstein.) Not compiling your social DNA profile is not a criminal offence, but if you refuse to do so, you may be imprisoned for a period not exceeding 28 days detention roulette which could be doubled to 56 days very soon, vampires. You have been warned. Get your social DNA profile done for you by our experts. Just fill in our easy Social Optimization DNA Obviously Free Form and join our Facebook group today.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Buy turkey futures now while stocks last... the meltdown in the US banking sector continues and the dollar goes down the drain, why not invest in turkey futures? Now that the bird flu in Suffolk has been confirmed as the deadly H5N1 variety, turkey prices should rise before Christmas. Get a roast instead of a roasting! Sell all those overhyped Web 2.0 stocks that aren't making any money and offload all those banking shares before they become worthless and get on the turkey bandwagon. What better place to start than on Facebook where our new Bird Flew Free Turkey Killer App will be launched tonight at midnight CET and the first three users will also win a free iPhone! Rachel has been talking turkey with the Home Affairs Committee today but as HMG is seriously out to lunch we do not expect much action this side of Christmas for fear of frightening the horses, or in this case the turkey punters. So get your turkey futures here. You know it makes sense.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Mad Browns and Englishmen go out in the midday sun!...

...and the next outing in the sun will be...Iran! With the dollar in meltdown the Yanks could do with a jolly good war. The poodle is dead! Long live the poodle!
With thanks to Through Balanda Eyes for reminding me of this Noel Coward gem.

Knowledge is Power...Is Big Facebook Watching You?...

...I've been involved in a thread on Mashable titled Facebook asks Can we see your id? The post throws up a number of issues connected to our privacy and also the possibility of identity theft (BBC story) a topic in the news again this morning. I have contacted the Welsh office of the ICO for clarification of some the issues raised by the mass collection of personal data. The Wales network of Facebook alone already has 195,586 members and Wales is just a small country! It is perhaps important at this stage to make sure that all this data being collected is not breaking current data protection legislation and also to ask the question: Where do we draw the lines between the individual's right to privacy and the practical control and knowledge of all the data being collected. Facebook has a few spooky connections such as possible CIA links
and the now defunded Information Awareness Office whose motto was "Knowledge is Power." Some of the aims of the IAO were:
* Human Identification at a Distance (HumanID) to develop automated biometric identification technologies to detect, recognize and identify humans at great distances.

* Wargaming the Asymmetric Environment (WAE) focused on developing automated technology capable of identifying predictive indicators of terrorist activity or impending attacks by examining individual and group behavior in broad environmental context and examining the motivation of specific terrorists.

* Futures Markets Applied to Prediction (FutureMAP) was intended to harness collective intelligence by researching market-based techniques for avoiding surprise and predicting future events. The intent was to explore the feasibility of market-based trading mechanisms to predict political instability, threats to national security, and other major events in the near future.
All a lot of innocent fun to provide us all with useful suggestions as to what to buy for Christmas based on our known interests and purchasing habits? In view of recent deadwood press criticism of bloggers and the cult of the amateur (story/Rachel) why aren't our gatekeepers doing more to investigate these issues?
This is what the FT had to say this morning: "...allowing advertisers to exploit the deep connections between users on the Facebook site - a web of relationships known in the industry as the "social graph" - could backfire if the move ends up alienating the users themselves.

"What we've learned from the commercialisation of the web is that people are more than happy to exchange their privacy for free stuff and greater convenience as long as you allow them to maintain the fiction that their activities are not being monitored and recorded," writes Nicholas Carr, a prominent technology author, on his blog, Rough Type.

"In breaking that illusion, Facebook is taking a big risk. It may set off a rebellion among its users, who up until now have felt comfortable cavorting behind Facebook's walls." There is a perceived and real inequality between the rights and freedoms of the citizen and the power of large multinational corporations and an urgent need to make sure that advances in technology do not deprive us of our liberties.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Anti GMO Protest Action in Portugal...

Find more videos like this on Ceridwen Chris Huhne of the Lib Dems says that GM crops 'should not be approved.'
"Mr Huhne, environment spokesman for the Liberal Democrats, said: "People want to be safe and not sorry on GM foods, as the overwhelming bulk of responses to the government's consultation show.

"Ministers should not give any go-ahead for commercial planting until they can state confidently that GM varieties would not contaminate non-GM foods and that they are safe.

"This is essential for consumers who prefer non-GM foods, but also for organic farming which is the fastest growing part of British agriculture."

The Cookie Mouse gets everywhere!...

Things I've loved
Originally uploaded by emdot
...and is going to be the mascot for our permaculture project. Cookie mouse lives in de Pijp in Amsterdam with two young girls from Prague. He is a very friendly and clever mouse and just loves all the goodies he gets from the organic market. His wink is what made him famous. Thanks to Emdot for this lovely collage.