Cookienomics for dummies...sample exam questions...

...You are the prime minister of a medium sized European country and you have just been told that global warming is happening a little bit (well a big bit actually) faster than expected. In fact so fast that you have decided to cancel your skiing holiday as there won't be any snow anywhere. Do you:
1) spend 5 billion pounds on an ID card scheme that nobody wants?
2) lock up everybody that you don't like for 56, 58 or 90 days?
3) knock 300 million pounds off the climate change budget?
4) invade Iran?
Please write on both sides of the recycled paper. Or use the multiple choice option, be totally silly and go with all four possibilities to qualify as a competent and decisive modern leader.

My Spacepedia gets you high...

...Whales do it, jobs do it, even educated gates do it. Let's do it, let's all get high. Human search is gonna be the next big thing as our Gossip killer app hits the streets before Christmas in Beta. And who better to do the manufacturing than our old mates, the Chinese. The first product in our range of Virtual Intoxication Toys will be based on Aqua Dots the well known popular toy beads that contain liquid Fantasy or GBH. These have already been banned in America and Australia so this must be some serious shit, folks. We asked CEO van der Zuikerberg just what the fuck was going on here, and he was quoted as saying, "It's quite simple. Everyone gets sucking the Chinese kiddie love beads, gets high and then writes up their best friend's profile on My Spacepedia, giving the whole social networking bubble a much needed kick in the arse."
By further undermining the already dodgy reputation of online infopedias Zuikerberg intends to dumb down everything, everywhere, all the time and thus create the Totally Dumb Information Vortex just in time for Year Zero.

Spacebook merger details emerge...

...as this morning's sub prime ripple hits banking stocks, details are emerging on the MySpacebook megadeal. Cookienomics sub prime CEO Marco van der Zuikerberg has hinted that this will be the mother of all social networking deals. The buzzword on the street is the revolutionary new killer app Zeroprivacy, part of the top secret Singularity Project. This will allow anything to be done anywhere at any time to anyone without them having a clue about what is really going on. This business model will be monetized by phishing and spam software managed by a secure database in St. Petersburg. Which St Pete has not been revealed for security reasons. The opportunities for optimization are awesome as this will replace Web 2.0 by Web 3.0, which will then be replaced by Web 4.0. The plan is to reach the Total Web Infinity.0 loop by Christmas. 2008 will then be renamed Year Zero and the Total Information Vortex will be up and running. The government will introduce a Zero beer and fags policy in order to channel all consumption into the Vortex. The Virtual Intoxication App is already in Beta testing and the advertising model will be quite simple. Click ads will be linked to a virtual intoxication Experience Interface (available with a USB port for 99 pence on eBay) and a built in vibrator is being developed in China, along with a virtual bicycle sex kit for $9.99. There will be a social network called the Pets Dating and Marriage Agency as it takes all sorts. "World domination is our goal." van der Zuikerberg was quoted as saying as he left his local greasy spoon and got into his Bentley.

Social DNA...dramatic new breakthrough...

...as early this morning scientists at the University of Illesota Department of Pseudoscience found that buying too much high tech stuff is linked to dramatic rises in crime, alcoholism and click ad fraud. Measures are now being taken to compel each citizen to compile a register of their social DNA which will include orchestral instruments, openness in relationships, Top 10 movies and toilet etiquette. All this is of course intended to waste more of the citizen's precious time and money to stimulate economic growth and this blog must declare an interest here as we receive secret payments in kind from the coffee and chocolate lobby (we should be so lucky!) which, by the way, is a hint LOL! (Whatever that means? Answers on a postcard containing a stamped addressed envelope containing a few used fivers to the DEFRA Bird Flu Hedge Fund c/o Cookienomics, Lichtenstein.) Not compiling your social DNA profile is not a criminal offence, but if you refuse to do so, you may be imprisoned for a period not exceeding 28 days detention roulette which could be doubled to 56 days very soon, vampires. You have been warned. Get your social DNA profile done for you by our experts. Just fill in our easy Social Optimization DNA Obviously Free Form and join our Facebook group today.

Buy turkey futures now while stocks last...

...as the meltdown in the US banking sector continues and the dollar goes down the drain, why not invest in turkey futures? Now that the bird flu in Suffolk has been confirmed as the deadly H5N1 variety, turkey prices should rise before Christmas. Get a roast instead of a roasting! Sell all those overhyped Web 2.0 stocks that aren't making any money and offload all those banking shares before they become worthless and get on the turkey bandwagon. What better place to start than on Facebook where our new Bird Flew Free Turkey Killer App will be launched tonight at midnight CET and the first three users will also win a free iPhone! Rachel has been talking turkey with the Home Affairs Committee today but as HMG is seriously out to lunch we do not expect much action this side of Christmas for fear of frightening the horses, or in this case the turkey punters. So get your turkey futures here. You know it makes sense.

Mad Browns and Englishmen go out in the midday sun!...

...and the next outing in the sun will be...Iran! With the dollar in meltdown the Yanks could do with a jolly good war. The poodle is dead! Long live the poodle!
With thanks to Through Balanda Eyes for reminding me of this Noel Coward gem.

The Secret...

...you too can understand the Law of Attraction with this revealing and informative video. Remember to visualise yourself sitting in the red sports car!

Murphy's law...

...I have loads of meetings today. I just read my biorythms and this is what they said: "Today your intellectual level is 22%: you may lose concentration. Your physical level is 99%: you can use your energy however you wish.
Your emotional level is 27%: today it is advisable to postpone every discussion, even with friends!" Wish me luck!